I have a laundry list of things I should be doing on this Saturday night, but instead I'm sitting on my butt watching an ANTM marathon. I find that, on Saturdays, I just can't muster the energy to do much else.
I'm feeling a bit down in the dumps today, this week, this month... I guess it's just the weight of adulthood hitting me. The other day my co-workers were talking about how bubbly I am, how cheerful I am all the time, and I jokingly said "Well, it's all a lie, because the older I get the more depressed and upset I get at growing up." And I realized that it's true, a bit, and that made me really sad. My life is not what I want it to be, I'm not doing what I've wanted to do with my life, and while I've got big plans for my future I just don't know how to make it happen. I've become so concerned with the day-to-day, with making sure we make enough money to pay our bills and go out every once in a while, that I can't even consider falling out of the routine. But the routine makes me so upset, because six days a week I get up and go to work, go home, have dinner, go to sleep, and get up and do it all again. I'm realizing that I'm not cut out for that type of life, for the daily routine. All I want right now, as I go to work each day and sit at my desk and count down the minutes till I go home, is to find my niche in something I absolutely love. Life is too damn short to do something you're not passionate about. I don't want to raise kids someday teaching them that it's okay to do something you dislike just because it pays the bills.
Unfortunately, with the economy the way it is, a career change is not even remotely possible... so I'll stick to my six-days-a-week deal, hoping that things start happening. Matt's started working part-time at Wolf again, which is great. I'm so thankful that Joe was able to get Matt back in, because the extra money will help out so much (we hopefully won't be dipping into savings to pay bills like we have been the last few months). The most exciting thing is that Matt and I will be doing a professional theatre gig this summer (for me, it'll be my first professional job ever). I'm going to be an assistant stage manager and Matt will be a deckhand; it's a six-week job, a two-person show which, from what I hear, will be an easy show. I hope it opens up opportunities for me. I think I'd be completely happy working part-time at the coffeeshop if I could work part-time in a theater as well. I just wish I could make a decent living doing something I love. Matt keeps telling me that he doesn't need to "do theater" to be happy, but I think I do. I mean, I've always known that (hello, that's the reason why I got a BA in Theatre) and I just need to figure out a way to make it happen before I become old and bitter about life.
I've also decided (very recently, actually) that I need to start going back to the gym. Matt and I have been trying to eat better lately, but because of the aforementioned routine, it's been very difficult to work up the energy to go work out. It finally hit me earlier this week when I was referred to as "plump." Yeah, I'm sure it wasn't meant to be malicious, but it really hurt. I've been feeling particularly self-conscious about everything the last few months, and that was just the cherry on top of the giant hot fudge sundae with whipped cream and chopped nuts and butterscotch.
We're getting settled into our new apartment/condo. Everything is unpacked (well, except a few boxes of knick-knacks) but we have yet to hang any pictures or art on the walls. If you haven't seen them yet, we have some pictures on
Facebook. I can't wait till we get everything set up and just the way we want it, but it makes me want and wish for a house. I suppose that'll be the next big goal... I want to start putting some money away bit by bit (you know, if there is any to put away) and hopefully won't need to spend it on other things. I would love to take the money we're getting from our theatre gig this summer and buy a new computer or pay off a chunk of a car/student loans, but I think it'll go into a "house fund." I also think that, maybe starting very soon, anytime I think about going out to dinner I'll take that $20-$50 and put it into savings. That'll help with the whole losing weight thing, too, yeah? I just really need to start over-budgeting our spending.
I have started reading again, which has been really nice and relaxing. I just finished a very funny book called
How I Paid for College: a Novel of Sex, Theft, Friendship, and Musical Theater, and it was great. The book I'm reading now has been a bit more subdued, but I know that it's going to be an amazing love story (you can just tell these types of things). I took a long break from reading after college because I had to read so much that wasn't for fun, so now I've come back to it as a relaxation technique in the evenings before bed. Good good indeed.
I suppose that's all new and exciting here. Matt will be home from work in an hour, and shortly after that I'll be getting to bed, as I work at the Bou at 5:30 tomorrow. Luckily it is a very short shift (I'm off at 10:00) so I'm hoping to come home and go back to bed for a couple hours. Then maybe there will be a trip to the gym, and hopefully I'll get some of the "stuff" around home I need to get done. I used to be able to work six days, spend Saturdays running errands, and spend Sunday afternoons with friends or getting stuff done... now when I'm not working all I want to do is sit around and do nothing. I hope I can shake it soon... or nothing will ever get done around here!!
Sorry if it's been a downer - hopefully the next post will be a bit more upbeat.
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